For the Ones That Judge

Hello my friends. I have not written in quite a while. I apologize for that. I have been SO busy. We actually just got back from visiting Josie. We were in Maryland for almost two weeks again and although it was wonderful it was also hard saying goodbye once again. I took a short break from my “lifebeyondmommy blog”  but probably not for the right reasons. I am not very proud to admit this, but I stopped blogging because I have received a lot of scrutiny and judgment regarding my one post “I miss my daughter.”  It was uploaded to a site called Stumbleupon and it has been viewed almost 2300 times. I am glad it is receiving views, because I am sure there are other people going through what I am going through, but by the same token, it has been quite a large pill to swallow. I have received a couple nasty comments and a few nasty emails from people who don’t agree with my decisions and think I am “a terrible mother.”  At first I tried to just delete the nasty comments and move on about my day. But then the emails came so now I am writing this post. I have never shared the reason WHY I had to move away from Josie. I never felt it was truly necessary. I mean most of you have been amazing friends and supportive and just wonderful. Most of you didn’t need to know WHY I had to leave all you needed to know was that I was hurting and that was enough for you to show me compassion and support. This post it not directed towards you. This post is for those of you who have judged me. The ones who need to know the WHOLE story, the ones who think no reason in this world is a good reason to move away from your child. I am sure my reason will still not be a good enough one in your eyes but for my sanity I just want to share my reason with everyone. Perhaps I should have shared it earlier? It is not easy sharing your stories with the world. I started blogging for personal growth and in the hopes that my struggles would help others. I wanted to inspire other women, and for the most part I think I have done that. I want to continue my blogging journey. I want to keep searching for a “life beyond mommy,” and in order for me to move on I just need to get this out. Bare with me guys.

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I love my husband and my kids more than anything in this world. Let me clarify something, I would have NEVER left Josie if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. NEVER. My husband is in the MILITARY. He serves our country everyday. He is an amazing father and a wonderful husband. Yes, I knew he was in the military when I married him, but I also knew that he was my soulmate. He was the one I had been waiting for and I couldn’t live this life with any other being knowing they were not him. We married so fast because we loved each other so much. We never planned on getting pregnant right away. In fact, I was on birth control when it happened. Soon enough we found ourselves married with a newborn and Military orders for another state. My husband, who serves our country was being transferred to another unit, and no there was NOTHING any of us could do about it.

I had to make a decision. The hardest decision I have ever had to make. Yes, I could have stayed in Maryland by myself with our newborn while my husband moved away in order to continue seeing Josie on the regular. But what sense did that make? Who was I to keep my newborn away from her father and vice versa? Yes, I could have fought Josie’s father and drug them both through the court system so maybe I could take Josie with us. But who was I to keep Josie away from her father and vice versa? Josie has so many people in Maryland who love her. Her father and his family, and my family as well. It was not my place to take her away from everything she knew and everyone who loved her so dearly. Josies’ father is a GREAT father. He loves her more than anything, and he would do anything to ensure her health and happiness. Knowing this, I could never even attempt to rip her away from him. I feel so blessed to be able to say that my daughter is in wonderful hands. Most of you have absolutely no idea how hard this situation was and still is for me and my family. I have worried many times about whether or not Josie will be well adjusted. I have worried constantly about whether or not she will blame me for not being there or if later in life she will not understand why I had to leave. All I can do is try to make her understand as much as possible why things are the way they are. Josie knows that if as she gets older she wants to come live with us she can. Her father and I both want to make sure she is old enough to make that decision before she makes it. As of now though, she has never questioned anything. She has never demanded to live with us. She is happy in MD. She is happy surrounded by family and friends who love her. I am sure there will be times where she questions things, but her dad is there to answer any concerns she has, and we are only a phone call or skype call away. We ALL love Josie. All of us. Not just me, not just her dad. Her life is not trypical. It has never been typical. Her father and I have had joint custody since she was 2 weeks old. Joint custody is all she has ever known.

It is important to note that we have tried and continue to try to get stationed as close as possible to Maryland. We travel there as much as physically possible to see her and she comes her as much as possible as well. I know this is not the ideal situation, but it is OUR situation so we have to handle it as gracefully as possible. I have tried to make the best of this for everyone even though it literally kills me inside everyday. In my heart I believe that the decisions I have made for Josie have been the best decisions for her. Do I want to see her everyday? YES. Do I wish we lived in Maryland? EVERYDAY. Do I miss her? Do I cry for her? ALL OF THE TIME. Just because some decisions seem like they may be the best for ME, that doesn’t mean they are the best decisions for her. I had to do what was best for her even if it killed me. Trust me when I say ripping her away from her father, her friends, and her family that loves her so she could move to another state with her new stepdad and I would NOT have been best for her. I pray everyday, and I have faith that she does and will always understand why her situation is the way that it is.

I know that I do not owe anyone an explanation for why my life is the way that it is. I know I do not have to explain to the world WHY I have made the decisions I have made. I am a person and I do have feelings. There are many things that I struggle with on a daily basis and being away from Josie is one of them. I knew when I wrote that post that there would be many people who judged me. Perhaps I should have prepared myself better mentally for the negativity. I have missed blogging and I don’t want something as small as this to effect me or keep me from doing something I love to do.  I guess I needed to write this post in order to move forward. Thanks for reading!

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Two Days Sick Is Too Long

SELF-REFLECTION

DAY 14

I was sick as a dog for two entire days

Confined to a bed, much to my dismay

I laid there and tried so hard to get rest

I listened as my husband did his very best

It seemed like there was a war zone downstairs, there were all kinds of sounds

Perhaps two days is too long, to not have Mom around

I could tell my husband was in over his head

Slowly but surely, I crept out of bed

I stepped into the hallway, and tripped over a doll

Luckily, a giant stuffed bear broke my fall

Once downstairs, I realized this was a code RED

If I had known sooner, I would not have stayed in bed

I saw my house in complete disarray

It was enough of a disaster to turn anyone’s hair gray

The walls were scribbled with blue and green

The amount of toys was just obscene

There were sippy cups galore

And dirty clothes all over the floor

The dishes in the sink were piled high

My kitchen literally looked like a pigsty

There was so much laundry that had to be done

I even considered buying new clothes for everyone 

Finally, our eyes met and I could tell he was tired

But that didn’t matter, both toddlers were wired

Izabelle had colored herself from head to toe

Using every single color of the rainbow

Chloe wore dress up clothes and was very proud

She was dancing, singing, and being loud

In the midst of it all, I couldn’t help but laugh

I imagined the chaos he had endured on my behalf

I assured him, I would take over from here

He said “thank you” and was very sincere

My husband is strong, but he is only a man

No one can tackle this house quite like MOM can

YOU ARE MY LIGHT

Recycling an old post since I am sick. This poem is one of my favorites that I have written.

SELF-REFLECTION

DAY 7

Reflecting on myself and my life has been a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.  As I take these walks down memory lane, a lot of emotions fill my soul.  My artistic side is really beginning to shine through.  I suppose it is meant to happen this way.  I feel like I am blossoming into a new person. Or perhaps, this person was always here, I just needed to dig deep so I could find her. This poem is for my husband, who has never given up on me.

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YOU ARE MY LIGHT

My heart has been broken many times before

It shattered like glass, and now it is no more.

I carry the pieces with me everywhere I go

Holding onto them tightly, never letting go

These parts that I have so preciously saved

Are reminders of a storm, once braved

I want to move on but they are weighing me down

There is darkness around me, I’m going to drown

I’m fading fast, I’m slipping away

You know I’m broken, and yet you stay

You wipe my tears, and you kiss my cheek

I feel your breath, and then you speak

You say “It doesn’t matter what happened in the past.”

“Our love is real and it is going to last.”

You hold each piece of my heart so gently with care

You mend what you can, with a love so rare

You were the sun, in the middle of endless rain

You gave me life, and took away my pain

You show me the meaning of love everyday

In everything you do, and everything you say

You were my light, when the dark closed in

I am as lucky now, as I was back then

I’m Sick!

This will be a short post. Turns out I have strep throat. Go me. My house is literally falling apart as I write this. My kids are running around like wild children. One of them doesn’t even have pants on. You should see the dishes piled high in the sink. My house looks like I have not done one thing all week, when in fact it has only been one day! Ugh. Say a prayer for me. Hopefully I will be back tomorrow.

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Don’t Fix Yourself, Be Yourself

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SELF-REFLECTION

DAY 11

This whole self-reflecting bit has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I need to be honest right now. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I feel vulnerable, powerless almost, as I succumb to the inevitable. I know that these reflections are a must, and they have to happen so I can find peace within myself.

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Over these past couple of weeks, I have learned so much about myself. As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a different person. I have often felt insecure and lost. I have never felt that anything I did in this life truly mattered, until now. I have never shown my artwork, until now. I lived in fear of failing, fear of never being good enough. Why do I always feel like there is something about me that needs to be fixed? I am socially awkward, and I always tend to say the wrong thing. I’m quirky, and weird, and I talk A LOT.

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I have really begun to see things in a whole new light. Trying to fix these characteristics of myself is a complete waste of time. Why? Because these characteristics make up who I am. Without them, I wouldn’t be ME. Yes I am awkward and weird, but I am also one of the kindest people you could ever meet. I am a true friend, which is a rarity these days. I have a huge heart, and all I want in this life is to make a difference. I want to tell my story to inspire others. I want to share my art because it is MINE. I want to bare my soul on paper and canvas because I am an artist. I want to be ME. No more masks, no more trying to change. You can’t fix something that is not meant to be fixed. I have tried. I am finally starting to come out of my shell. It only took 30 years. I feel like I have everyone here to thank for that. I have given you the real me and you have accepted her. Now that I have this new found wisdom, what will I do with it? Stay tuned my friends…..

What I Have Learned My First Week As A Blogger

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SELF-REFLECTION

DAY 6

BLOGGING IS NOT JUST A HOBBY:  IT IS A COMMUNITY

I started my blog as an outlet.  I wanted a way to express myself, and a way to escape the pressures of my daily life.  I wanted to record my journey in the hopes that one day, it would help others.  I have only just begun, and the amount of support I have received is astounding.  There is a community here, within these virtual walls.  There are people from all walks of life, and they are all telling their stories.  I have already made so many wonderful connections, and the amazing thing is, there are still infinite connections to be made.  I wanted to inspire others, but I didn’t realize how much OTHERS would actually inspire me.

EVERYONE IS FIGHTING THEIR OWN BATTLE

Every single person in this world I struggling in some way.  We have no idea what hardships others are facing or have faced.  When we are the ones hurting, it always seems like it is the worst, unbearable even.  But the truth is, no matter what we are dealing with in our own lives, there is always someone out there who is experiencing or has experienced more pain than we could ever fathom.  Maybe we should try to have this mindset a little more.  As humans in general, we should be more compassionate.  There are mothers, husbands, fathers, and children fighting cancer.  There are people facing addiction, depression, the loss of a child, even the loss of their home.  There are blind people who will never see the sunset, and deaf people who will never hear the birds sing.  I could go on, but you get the picture.  We can be the light in someone else’s darkness. Even if they are a complete stranger.  We just have to put forth the effort.

YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE

If you take the time to connect with others, most likely they will take the time to connect with you.  We all have something to say, and we all want our voices to be heard.  Take the time to read other blogs.  Like them if you think they are great, and leave comments  if you can relate.  Let someone know that you “hear them.”  Maybe you will learn something, or maybe they will learn from you.  We shouldn’t only blog to teach, we should blog so we can learn as well.

THE TALENT HERE IS UNREAL

There are literally thousands of creative souls in this blogging universe.  I can’t believe  how many talented people exist here.  Artists, poets, photographers and writers. There are chefs, bakers, even fitness fanatics.  So many people here follow their dreams.  It is a world of motivation.  I love the way blogging boosts confidence.  If you are brave enough to share your passions with the people here, they will notice.

THERE ARE STILL GENUINE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

There really are people here that actually care.  They can genuinely relate to you, and they want to read your story.  They will hear what you have to say, and they will pay attention.  They will offer insight, and even give advice.  They will praise your work, and they will make you feel like what you are doing is important, because it is.  The pages we write and each tale we tell means something.  It doesn’t matter what path you are on, you can bet there is someone here who wants to walk with you, and that is beautiful.