For the Ones That Judge

Hello my friends. I have not written in quite a while. I apologize for that. I have been SO busy. We actually just got back from visiting Josie. We were in Maryland for almost two weeks again and although it was wonderful it was also hard saying goodbye once again. I took a short break from my “lifebeyondmommy blog”  but probably not for the right reasons. I am not very proud to admit this, but I stopped blogging because I have received a lot of scrutiny and judgment regarding my one post “I miss my daughter.”  It was uploaded to a site called Stumbleupon and it has been viewed almost 2300 times. I am glad it is receiving views, because I am sure there are other people going through what I am going through, but by the same token, it has been quite a large pill to swallow. I have received a couple nasty comments and a few nasty emails from people who don’t agree with my decisions and think I am “a terrible mother.”  At first I tried to just delete the nasty comments and move on about my day. But then the emails came so now I am writing this post. I have never shared the reason WHY I had to move away from Josie. I never felt it was truly necessary. I mean most of you have been amazing friends and supportive and just wonderful. Most of you didn’t need to know WHY I had to leave all you needed to know was that I was hurting and that was enough for you to show me compassion and support. This post it not directed towards you. This post is for those of you who have judged me. The ones who need to know the WHOLE story, the ones who think no reason in this world is a good reason to move away from your child. I am sure my reason will still not be a good enough one in your eyes but for my sanity I just want to share my reason with everyone. Perhaps I should have shared it earlier? It is not easy sharing your stories with the world. I started blogging for personal growth and in the hopes that my struggles would help others. I wanted to inspire other women, and for the most part I think I have done that. I want to continue my blogging journey. I want to keep searching for a “life beyond mommy,” and in order for me to move on I just need to get this out. Bare with me guys.

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I love my husband and my kids more than anything in this world. Let me clarify something, I would have NEVER left Josie if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. NEVER. My husband is in the MILITARY. He serves our country everyday. He is an amazing father and a wonderful husband. Yes, I knew he was in the military when I married him, but I also knew that he was my soulmate. He was the one I had been waiting for and I couldn’t live this life with any other being knowing they were not him. We married so fast because we loved each other so much. We never planned on getting pregnant right away. In fact, I was on birth control when it happened. Soon enough we found ourselves married with a newborn and Military orders for another state. My husband, who serves our country was being transferred to another unit, and no there was NOTHING any of us could do about it.

I had to make a decision. The hardest decision I have ever had to make. Yes, I could have stayed in Maryland by myself with our newborn while my husband moved away in order to continue seeing Josie on the regular. But what sense did that make? Who was I to keep my newborn away from her father and vice versa? Yes, I could have fought Josie’s father and drug them both through the court system so maybe I could take Josie with us. But who was I to keep Josie away from her father and vice versa? Josie has so many people in Maryland who love her. Her father and his family, and my family as well. It was not my place to take her away from everything she knew and everyone who loved her so dearly. Josies’ father is a GREAT father. He loves her more than anything, and he would do anything to ensure her health and happiness. Knowing this, I could never even attempt to rip her away from him. I feel so blessed to be able to say that my daughter is in wonderful hands. Most of you have absolutely no idea how hard this situation was and still is for me and my family. I have worried many times about whether or not Josie will be well adjusted. I have worried constantly about whether or not she will blame me for not being there or if later in life she will not understand why I had to leave. All I can do is try to make her understand as much as possible why things are the way they are. Josie knows that if as she gets older she wants to come live with us she can. Her father and I both want to make sure she is old enough to make that decision before she makes it. As of now though, she has never questioned anything. She has never demanded to live with us. She is happy in MD. She is happy surrounded by family and friends who love her. I am sure there will be times where she questions things, but her dad is there to answer any concerns she has, and we are only a phone call or skype call away. We ALL love Josie. All of us. Not just me, not just her dad. Her life is not trypical. It has never been typical. Her father and I have had joint custody since she was 2 weeks old. Joint custody is all she has ever known.

It is important to note that we have tried and continue to try to get stationed as close as possible to Maryland. We travel there as much as physically possible to see her and she comes her as much as possible as well. I know this is not the ideal situation, but it is OUR situation so we have to handle it as gracefully as possible. I have tried to make the best of this for everyone even though it literally kills me inside everyday. In my heart I believe that the decisions I have made for Josie have been the best decisions for her. Do I want to see her everyday? YES. Do I wish we lived in Maryland? EVERYDAY. Do I miss her? Do I cry for her? ALL OF THE TIME. Just because some decisions seem like they may be the best for ME, that doesn’t mean they are the best decisions for her. I had to do what was best for her even if it killed me. Trust me when I say ripping her away from her father, her friends, and her family that loves her so she could move to another state with her new stepdad and I would NOT have been best for her. I pray everyday, and I have faith that she does and will always understand why her situation is the way that it is.

I know that I do not owe anyone an explanation for why my life is the way that it is. I know I do not have to explain to the world WHY I have made the decisions I have made. I am a person and I do have feelings. There are many things that I struggle with on a daily basis and being away from Josie is one of them. I knew when I wrote that post that there would be many people who judged me. Perhaps I should have prepared myself better mentally for the negativity. I have missed blogging and I don’t want something as small as this to effect me or keep me from doing something I love to do.  I guess I needed to write this post in order to move forward. Thanks for reading!

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33 thoughts on “For the Ones That Judge

  1. Thanks for sharing your story in more depth. Telling your story is courageous.

    It’s not the critic that counts. The people judging you aren’t in the arena with you. They’re on the sidelines judging you with no real idea of what it’s been like for you.

    Peace be with you, and I look forward to reading more posts in the future.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, you are so brave, not read your other post (I’m a bit sporadic on here myself!) and had no idea you were experiencing backlash. You are following what you believe to be best for your daughter and she is happy, safe and loved. Backlash seems unfair. Must be so hard for you, really hope your plans to all be closer work out for you soon. It sounds like she has a lot of love from all directions and I really believe if you do things for all the right reasons people (children included) can understand. So so hard for you though, like people above said nobody else understands how things are for you. Good luck with everything.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. People tend to hate things about other people that they are scared of seeing in themselves. That way…..if they can make themselves believe that you are a shitty parent for the choices you have had to made, then *at least they aren’t as bad as you*.
    You were stuck in an impossible situation and you made the best choice you could in the best interest of your daughter. I can only imagine how it rips your heart out not to have her with you.
    Don’t justify yourself to people who don’t deserve an explanation. You know the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The thing that makes you a good mother, is you considered you daughter, and HER feelings and needs ABOVE AND BEYOND what we’re YOUR wants and needs. You did what you felt best for HER and not what was best for YOU. this makes you string, courageous, and wise. Many couldn’t think this way. I confess…I am not sure I could. But you did. And it’s amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I ask myself everyday..”Have I made the right decisions as a mother?” Even though it tears me apart not being with her, I honestly believe I made the best decision FOR her if that makes any sense. Some people are just cruel.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. No explanation needed. I’m sorry you got such a bad backlash. This is exactly one of the reasons I haven’t expanded to other blogging arenas. You take care of you and yours and it’s nobody else’s business. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You made an incredibly difficult decision based on what was best for your child. That is the ultimate act of love. Your gift to her was seeing the value in maintaining her relationship with both parents. Her story will be one of love and understanding that often parents must sacrifice themselves for the good of their children. You came to a mature and heart felt solution to a very challenging situation. Keep all your blog posts for her to read someday. Please know that you are supported and focus on those who know better than to judge. Each of us has our own struggles, so you are not alone. It’s never easy to feel evaluated by those who do not live your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow what an amazing post. I am so sorry for the way in which you were judged. We can never walk in other’s shoes so we should never judge. I cannot imagine being away from my kids so I can’t even conceive of the courage and sacrifice you made. Hold on to the encouragers and allow your heart to soften towards the haters because they do not know the courage and power of a love that can let go in this way. May God bless and keep your whole family safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I just read your story. I am in awe of what your family has had to endure. I can completely understand where you are coming from albeit for different reasons. To be honest, I am married with five children of my own and three older children from two previous relationships. It’s a mouthful, I know. However, when I said I understand your concerns it’s because I am in similar circumstance. I would also like to tell you that although she may not think much of it or question it now, that may change as she gets older. Then again, it may not. I just know what I have dealt with in my circumstance. I wish you and your family the best of luck in your endeavors.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. You definitely have your hands full! Bless you! She is getting older and I am certain there will come a day where she asks more questions and wants different things. I know as she gets older she will find her own voice and be able to tell us how she wants things. My husband and I have done everything we can to try and get closer to her or even stationed in MD. We have always tried. When she is a bit older she will be able to make decisions for herself as far as custody if she is unhappy just right now she is too young to make those kinds of decisions. I am terrified that she may not want to go back and forth when she is older or that she may be angry with me. I am sure her dad is terrified she will want to live with us for a change. It is just a hard situation. Her dad and I weren’t always on good terms like we are now. It has been an adjustment for everyone. But I have always had the best of intentions for her. She has so much love coming from all directions even though I am her mother and I would give my life for her it was never my place to take her away from her father and her life in MD. It hurts everyday. 😦

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      1. The best thing you can do is love her. As I said, she may question and she may now. My two older boys live with their dad and visit this side of their family on weekends. However, now that they are older (15 and 17) they both have jobs, sports, school, girlfriend and friends that they don’t or can’t leave for a weekend so I don’t see them near as much as I used to. I hope the better relationship you have with her father now can continue. It’s much better for her that way. All your fears are legitimate as she grows up. I feared the same thing with my two older ones and it’s now getting to be exactly as I feared, but they know how much we love them. It’s a hard situation all the way around. Please don’t get discouraged though. She will always know that you’re her mother and that you love her even when/if she goes through a stage where she’s questioning your judgment. Best of luck to you all 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. No judgement here at all! I can’t even imagine being in your shoes, and I’m sure you did nothing less than the absolute best for your child. Your daughter should be proud to have such a selfless, loving mother. Forget what all those other negative readers said. It’s easy to sit in judgement when you’re not going through the same situation. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry people didn’t extend grace to you. I think you do honestly shared your story I really can’t believe people were cruel. Clearly you’ve wrestled for years over this. Thank you for sharing. I hope it has helped xx

    Liked by 1 person

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