The past week has been a tough one. I have really been missing Josie. I have been thinking about her nonstop since we said goodbye. I realized today how selfish I have been, and I feel so awful about it. I always knew that not having her here with us effected everyone, but I never realized how much until now. My little Lily, who is six, has cried for Josie this week many times. Some things are just impossible for her to understand right now. I have tried my best to comfort her, but my words do not matter. She wants her sister, and I understand.
That is a picture of Josie and I when she was just a couple of months old. I remember being terrified when I was pregnant with her. I was 19 years old. Now that I am older, I can see just how young 19 is. I remember how scared I was of becoming a mother. I wanted her to have the best, and I wasn’t sure if that was me, but something amazing happened the day she was born. I may have only been 19, but I will never forget how naturally being a mother came to me. Everything came so easily. Breastfeeding, soothing her, even the sleepless nights. I knew how to be her mother immediately because I was meant to be her mother. There is not a doubt in my mind, God granted me the wisdom and the patience I needed. And believe me, at 19 I needed both of those things.
I knew once I had Josie that being a mother was the greatest thing I would ever be. A parent has a very special kind of love for their children. It is unconditional and it is undying. I believe that a parents love is the most genuine, most pure form of true love that there is. For a mother, once she begins to grow life in her belly, her life is changed forever. As parents, once you hold your baby in your arms, you know your life will never be the same again, and that is ok because you don’t want it to be. You have never loved anything or anyone in this world so much, and you never will……until you have more children of course. As your family grows, so does your heart and so does your love. I have four daughters now, and I can honestly say that being their mother is my greatest accomplishment in life so far.
I love my children more than life. When they are hurting, I am hurting. There are certain things I can fix, with a Band-Aid or a kiss. Lily wants Josie, and I can’t fix that. Pretty soon, they will all want Josie. They will all have questions, and they will not understand the answers that I give. Even if they can’t understand why things are the way they are, I hope they all understand how much I love them, and why I made the choices I made.
As you all know, I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am searching for myself, among other things. I have vowed to lose weight. I have vowed to explore my artistic abilities, and to write more. Today I am vowing to be the best mother I can possibly be, so my children never have to question my love for them. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty awesome mother already. However, I am human so of course there is always room for improvement. It is amazing the things you learn and how much you can grow if you allow yourself to truly self-reflect. This is so hard, but I know that I will come out a better person, mother and wife when I am finished. Thanks for being there guys!