I envy my mother. She is beautiful and successful. She has an amazing career that she loves. Those things are great, but do you want to know what I envy the most? My mother is still friends with the same group of women she surrounded herself with in high school. They are the best of friends. My mom knows the meaning of “life long friends,” and that is a true gift. I often wonder what her secret is. How do you form those special bonds? Why is it so hard for me? What am I doing wrong? I really don’t want to sound pathetic here, but I want a genuine friend more than anything. One thing I am starting to realize as I reflect on my own life is, I NEED a friend.
I am starting to see things a lot clearer than I ever have. For so long I have used all the wrong reasons as excuses for why I have little to no friends. Here is the deal : I am a great friend. Maybe one of the issues I am having is, I want whoever I am friends with to be a great friend to me in return. Is this asking too much? Am I expecting too much? It seems like every time I let someone new into my life, it only leads to disappointment. I feel as though so many of my friendships have been one-sided. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have experienced “true” friendship, and even those relationships were lost.
I have lost so many friendships and I have been let down so many times, it has changed me as a person. I have built a wall around my heart in order to keep others out. I rarely ever allow myself the opportunity to meet new people. When I do meet someone new, I never let them in. I keep them close enough to talk to, but far away enough that I won’t get hurt. I know this is not healthy. I just don’t want to be let down anymore. I want friends and I need friends, but I am afraid.
I want to be a different person, a better person. I feel like we all need friends. We need those special people that we can count on. We need people to laugh with, cry with, and make memories with. I know in my heart that I would be a happier person if I had a real friend. As I continue down this path of self-discovery, I will not only be searching for myself, I will also be searching for a friend. A true friend. A best friend. I will also start trying to break down this wall that I have held up for so long. Does anyone have any advice for me?